They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
