God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
