i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
