he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
