Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i love accidental penises.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
