If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize