I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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