You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
