woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
