I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you will always have a special place in my vag
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
