Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
