I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
