my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
