felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
