census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
