i barfeds in our rink
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
