Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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