She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
