I faked an abortion last night.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
