and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Randomize
