It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
