This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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