oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
