i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
