She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize