Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
