conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
