I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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