Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize