Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
