I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize