the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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