I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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