I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
