My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The adults are the big ones right?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
