and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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