I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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