I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
