It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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