just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
