this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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