Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
