Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
