Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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