My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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