be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
