its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So apparently I’m into choking now
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