Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
