I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
