New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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