The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
