so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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