would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize