thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
