I think I just saw someone hide a body.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
