WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
