My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
