stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
They have beer where we have blood.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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