I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
