Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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