Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize