i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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