Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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